Don t Give Me That Attitude 24 Rude Selfish Insensitive Things Kids Do and How to Stop Them

by Michele Borba

Author Michele Borba Isbn 9780787973339 File size 4MB Year 2004 Pages 438 Language English File format PDF Category Family and Friendship Does your kid never take no for an answer and demand things go his way Do her theatrics leave you drained at the end of the day Are you resorting to bribes and threats to get your kid to do chores Does he cheat complain or blame others for his problems Do you feel you re running a hotel instead of a home Are you starting to feel like your child s pers

Publisher :

Author : Michele Borba

ISBN : 9780787973339

Year : 2004

Language: English

File Size : 4MB

Category : Family and Friendship

Don’t Give
Me That
24 Rude, Selfish, Insensitive
Things Kids Do and How to Stop Them

Michele Borba, Ed.D.

No More Misbehavin’
“Michele Borba offers insightful, realistic, and straightforward
advice that is sure to get immediate results.”
—Sally Lee, Editor-in-Chief, Parents Magazine
“This will be the only discipline book you’ll ever need to raise
good kids.”
—from the Foreword by Jack Canfield, coauthor,
Chicken Soup for the Soul and
Chicken Soup for the Parent’s Soul
“A sensitive, thoughtful, eminently practical book that will
help parents help their children change behaviors that will
improve the child’s, and the entire family’s, well-being and
happiness.A wonderful contribution!”
—Alvin Rosenfeld, M.D., child psychiatrist
and coauthor, The Over-Scheduled Child
“The most complete toolkit for coping with behavior I have
ever seen. Destined to be a classic for all parents and teachers,
No More MisBehavin’ is powerful and practical.”
—Annie Leedom, founder and president,
“Based on the good old-fashioned idea that kids who behave
are happier than those who don’t, No More Misbehavin’ shows
parents exactly how to turn their love into *action* with a
step-by-step plan for permanently removing bad behaviors.
—Elaine Hightower, coauthor with Betsy Riley,
Our Family Meeting Book: Fun and Easy Ways to Manage Time,
Build Communication and Share Responsibility Week by Week

“Michele Borba’s new book provides parents with an innovative strategy for dealing with children’s challenging behaviors.
Her suggestions are practical, doable, and proven. Any parent
looking for concrete solutions for troubling kid behaviors need
look no further. Simply outstanding!”
—Naomi Drew, author,
Hope and Healing: Peaceful Parenting in an Uncertain World
“This book offers hands-on, practical, and effective solutions
to everyday problems that all parents encounter from time to
time.These strategies are guaranteed to reduce your parenting
headaches and help you enjoy your kids! I’ll certainly be recommending this book to the parents with whom I work.”
—Dr. Jane Bluestein, author,
Parents,Teens and Boundaries: How to Draw the Line
and The Parent’s Little Book of Lists:
DOs and DON’Ts of Effective Parenting
“No More Misbehavin’s clear, no-nonsense advice will be a
blessing to parents paralyzed by stubborn childhood behaviors
ranging from biting to bullying to heel-dragging in the face
of chores.This step-by-step, here’s-how manual is almost like
having Michele Borba as your personal parenting trainer.”
—Tom Lickona, author,
Educating for Character and Raising Good Children

Building Moral Intelligence
“A much-needed antidote to the waves of incivility, intolerance, and insensitivity sweeping through our nation’s youth
culture. Dr. Michele Borba offers parents a treasure trove of
ideas for building the most neglected intelligence around: our
kids’ moral intelligence. I’d like to see a copy of this book in
every home across America!”
—Thomas Armstrong, author,
7 Kinds of Smart, Multiple Intelligences in the Classroom,
and Awakening Your Child’s Natural Genius

“Michele Borba is an inspiring educator, an experienced parent, and a terrific writer. She has identified the core issues for
parenting moral kids and presented them with passion, wit,
and enormous practicality. Her new book gives us solid empirical research but also specific day-to-day activities that will
really make a difference in our children’s lives.”
—Michael Gurian, author, Boys and Girls Learn Differently,
The Wonder of Boys,The Good Son, and A Fine Young Man
“While many people in public life decry the lack of character
and moral development among our kids, few take this concern further, into the realm of practical steps to address the
issue in the lives of real children and youth. Michele Borba has
done so in her book Building Moral Intelligence. As one whose
work takes him into prisons to interview kids who kill, I can
testify to the need for adults to cultivate moral intelligence—
and the consequences when we don’t.This book is a tool for
parents to use in the struggle.”
—James Garbarino, author,
Lost Boys:Why Our Sons Turn Violent
and How We Can Save Them
“This smart and helpful book integrates much of what we
know about raising moral children. I especially like the book’s
constructive way of pulling together a wide range of theoretical approaches and coming up with a wealth of sensible childrearing tips.”
—William Damon, professor and director,
Stanford University Center on Adolescence
“This how-to guide to teaching children moral intelligence
fills a deep need. It is practical, filled with excellent activities,
and based on solid research.”
—Kevin Ryan, director emeritus, Boston University Center
for the Advancement of Ethics and Character

“This is perhaps the best written guide for parents and educators concerned with the deep character and moral intelligence of their children or students. It is wise, literate, and
—Peter Scharf, director, Center for Society,
Law and Justice at the University of New Orleans,
and author, Growing Up Moral
“Michele Borba articulates the core traits that build and promote responsible citizenship among the young and old alike.
Creating safe schools begins with responsible behavior. Dr.
Borba explains in clear, concise, and effective ways how to
make that happen. Her book is a ‘must read’ for parents, educators, and community leaders.”
—Ronald D. Stephens, executive director,
National School Safety Center

Parents Do Make a Difference
“Michele Borba’s new book is invaluable. Drawing on a lifetime of rich experience, the author understands parents’ concerns and speaks to them wisely and compassionately. Best of
all, she spells out what parents need to know in easily accessible language and easily learnable stages.”
—Nathaniel Branden, author,
The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem and A Woman’s Self-Esteem
“Packed with helpful suggestions and insights.This book is a
wonderful guide to help kids become winners.”
—Louise Hart, author, The Winning Family:
Increasing Self-Esteem in Your Children and Yourself
and On the Wings of Self-Esteem

“Dr. Michele Borba’s years of research and experience make
her uniquely qualified as an expert in the field.The many
practical and creative suggestions offered here are sound, effective ways of developing successful human beings. I’m certain
that this outstanding book will become an extremely valuable
guide and resource for both parents and teachers.”
—Robert W. Reasoner, president, International Council
for Self-Esteem, and retired school superintendent
“Parents Do Make a Difference is able to address the core issues of
parenting. Cross-culturally, Dr. Michele Borba has brought valuable insights to teaching professionals. Her parenting ideas have
also been widely adopted by parent educators in Hong Kong.”
—Ivan Yiu, assistant community services secretary
for children and youth,
Tung Wah Group of Hospitals, Hong Kong
“Every child arrives in life with a birthright to healthy selfesteem and to be welcomed, nurtured, and inspired by parents
who abide by the practices Michele Borba recommends in this
book.Applying these principles would quickly help the world
become a much healthier and happier place.”
—Senator John Vasconcellos, 13th District,
California State Senate
“Finally, a ‘cookbook’ for parents and educators on how to
raise successful kids. My seminar attendees have asked me for
years,‘Wouldn’t it be terrific if children could be exposed to
these principles of self-esteem?’ Michele, you’ve done it.The
world needs your recipes for success—what a difference they’ll
make in our kids’ futures!”
—Bob Moawad, chairman and CEO,
Edge Learning Institute, and past president,
National Association for Self-Esteem

“Michele Borba has done it again—she’s written another musthave, must-read book! Parents of children will ask,‘Why didn’t
they have this when my kids were younger?’ and then buy it for
their grown kids so the grandkids will be raised sensibly. I highly
recommend this book to anyone who cares about kids.”
—Hanoch McCarty, coeditor,
A 4th Course of Chicken Soup for the Soul,
and coauthor, Acts of Kindness
“This book is loaded with practical, proven ideas for teachers
and parents to use in their efforts to be the best influence they
can be. Children of all ages will be helped to develop skills
they need to be their personal best in the new millennium.”
—Dorothy Rouse, board member and former teacher,
Los Gatos Union School District, Los Gatos, California
“By applying the strategies from Parents Do Make a Difference
I experienced such stunning success with a severely disturbed
foster child that it caused an astonished juvenile court judge
to label her transformation ‘miraculous.’ He even led his courtroom to a round of applause for her success and credited her
rehabilitation to Dr. Borba’s techniques. One could only imagine how using these techniques could profoundly impact the
lives of all children.”
—Dawn Hamill, foster child advocate
“I strongly endorse Michele Borba’s new book, Parents Do
Make a Difference. Grounded in solid research, her message has
the potential to truly help parents help their children be more
successful in school and in life.”
—Richard Herzberg, executive director,
Bureau of Education and Research

Don’t Give
Me That
24 Rude, Selfish, Insensitive
Things Kids Do and How to Stop Them

Michele Borba, Ed.D.

Copyright © 2004 by Michele Borba.All rights reserved.
Published by Jossey-Bass
A Wiley Imprint
989 Market Street, San Francisco, CA 94103-1741
Note to the Reader: All of the letters in this book have been received from parents
over the past few years.The names of the parents and children, as well as their location, have been changed to protect their privacy.
No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or
transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying,
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Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
Borba, Michele.
Don’t give me that attitude! : 24 rude, selfish, insensitive things
kids do and how to stop them / Michele Borba.— 1st ed.
p. cm.
Includes bibliographical references.
ISBN 0-7879-7333-5 (alk. paper)
1. Attitude change in children. 2. Child rearing. I.Title.
BF723.A76B67 2004
Printed in the United States of America

PB Printing 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1





Confronting the Crisis


Exposing the Big Brat Factor 3
What’s the Difference Between Attitude and Behavior? 7
We’ve Got a Big Problem 9
Where Is This Coming From? 11
The Bad Attitude Intelligence Test 15
Preventing the Worst-Case Scenario:
Why You Better Start Changing Bad Attitudes Today 17
Bad Attitude Emergencies:
Immediate Intervention Needed 20
The Seven Worst Mistakes
in Trying to Change Bad Attitudes 26
Bad Attitude Antidotes and Replacements 28
Facing Our Own Hidden Demons 29
How Do People See You? 31
Your Own Attitude Makeover 32
How to Use This Book 32
Final Thoughts Before the Big Attitude Makeover 34


Twenty-Four Attitude Makeovers 37
1 Arrogant 39
2 Bad-Mannered 56


3 Bad-Tempered 72
4 Cheats 86
5 Cruel 101
6 Demanding 116
7 Domineering 129
8 Fresh 143
9 Greedy 157
10 Impatient 171
11 Insensitive 185
12 Irresponsible 199
13 Jealous 214
14 Judgmental 233
15 Lazy 247
16 Manipulative 262
17 Narrow-Minded 282
18 Noncompliant 303
19 Pessimistic 321
20 Poor Loser 337
21 Selfish 350
22 Uncooperative 364
23 Ungrateful 377
24 Unhelpful 390


Beyond the Crisis


References 409
About the Author 417



A c k n ow l e d g m e n t s

To the folks at Jossey-Bass for your incredible support on all
four of the books we’ve worked together on: it has been an
absolute pleasure working with such a professional and dedicated publishing team. Most especially I thank Alan Rinzler,
undoubtedly the best editor in the business.You have no idea
how lucky an author is to work with such an extraordinary
wordsmith. I send him thanks for so many things: for helping
me cultivate the idea, formatting ideas, his unceasing dedication to producing only the best, and supporting each and
every step along the way. Every author should be so blessed to
have such an editor.Thank you, Alan; again, it’s has been an
honor. Special thanks go to Debra Hunter, Paul Foster, Jennifer Wenzel, Sachie Jones, Karen Warner, Seth Schwartz, Carol
Hartland, Beverly Miller, and Paula Goldstein. Heartfelt appreciation to Jennifer Wenzel for endless support, brilliant marketing, and limitless creativity.
To all the folks in the Wiley office in New York, especially to the publicity department and one great dynamo,
Ellen Silberman.Thanks not only for your hard work, tenacity, and energy, but also your personalized touches (I finally
know how to catch a New York cab). Huge gratitude also
goes to the Canadian Wiley group, especially Meghan
Brousseau and Jamie Broadhurst. Making the jaunts to
Toronto and Vancouver is always something I look forward
to. I know that not only will the publicity campaigns be top
notch but so enjoyable because I get to spend time with these
great dedicated folks.


I extend special gratitude to the staff of Parents magazine,
especially senior editor Diane Debrovner, for the honor of
serving on your advisory board but also the privilege of speaking with many of your writers about several attitudes presented in this book.These women not only were enjoyable,
but their pointed queries about kid attitudes helped me enormously in thinking through the steps to stop them. In particular, I thank Vicky Mlyniec (helpfulness, cruelty, and every
other parenting topic); Diane Benson Harrington (manipulative, defiant); Leslie Lampert (the 21-day makeover plan and
“drama queens”); Pam Kramer (bad-tempered);Winnie Yu
(demanding and controlling); Deb Waldman (fresh); and Susan
Brody (annoying behaviors). I also thank reporters Katy Kelly
(“trophy parenting”), Andrea Atkins (out-of-control behavior), and Jane Clifford (character development) and most especially Charlotte Latlava (discipline 101) and Francesca Donlan
(“everything!”) for their usual superb suggestions, fabulous
interviews, and ongoing encouragement.
Huge appreciation is also sent to a few loyal, dedicated
professionals who have always been there for me and have
become such personal friends: especially Annie Leedom, president of, for her wonderful
steadfast friendship, continual optimism, and most appreciated
encouragement: you’re loved,Annie.Anybody looking for the
absolute best Internet publicity campaigns need search no further than Anne Leedom. I also thank Adrienne Biggs of Biggs
Publicity for her continual support and creative ways of
acquiring great publicity leads that somehow always turn
golden, and Steve Leedom, of, for creating my gorgeous Web site,, and
being so available to talk me through the most annoying computer glitches.Thanks also to Celia Rock and Dottie DeHart
of the world’s best publicity agency, Rocks-DeHart Public
Relations, for fabulous ideas and incredible campaigns. Special, special thanks to Dottie DeHart.Wow, does she know
publicity! Thank you for giving so generously of your time,


resources, and yourself these past five years. I also extend enormous amounts of gratitude to the best agent in the business,
Joelle DelBourgo. Every writer should have this woman in her
corner. Joelle, it’s a pleasure!
Finally, hugs to my own personal “ya-ya” group—Barbara
Keane, Patty Service, Judy Baggott, and Bonnie Englund—for
the nonstop laughs and giggles. Special appreciation to Andy
Keane and Kathy and Jake Been for ideas on curbing know-italls and smart alecks.And most especially I thank the ones who
have made the biggest difference in my life and on my own attitudes, my family. Deepest love to my husband, best friend, and
continuous supporter, Craig; my extraordinarily amazing parents, Dan and Treva Ungaro; and my wonderful mother-in-law,
Lorayne Borba.And to the three greatest, good-looking, funniest, and best-attitude kids around, my sons: Jason, Adam, and
Zach.Thanks for the joy and the laughter you bring. It’s an
absolute honor being your mom.



To Alan Rinzler,
A more skilled, supportive, and knowledgeable editor
I could not imagine.
From a most appreciative author.


the Crisis
Sow a thought and you reap an act;
Sow an act and you reap a habit;
Sow a habit and you reap a character;
Sow a character and you reap a
—Charles Reade


Dear Dr. Borba,
As much as I hate to admit it, our twelve-year-old son is becoming
a spoiled brat. Frankly, there are times I’m just at my wit’s end! I
love him to death, but I really don’t like what he’s turning into:
self-centered, inconsiderate, and downright rude! He only thinks of
himself and can be quite flippant and fresh. I tell him to stop, I
ground him and remove privileges, but his selfish, rude ways are still
there. How do I get him to stop giving me this attitude? There has
to be a better way!
—Jenny K., a mom from Portland, Oregon

Bad Attitude Act Out
“What do I get if I do it?”
“I want it, and I want it now!”
“Why should I care how she feels?”
“Get real. I’m doing it my way!”

Sound familiar? These outbursts from selfish, rude, fresh,
demanding kids are symptoms of a swiftly growing epidemic
that is sweeping the country. Now this doesn’t mean there
aren’t any good kids left in the world; of course, there are! In
fact, studies suggest that this generation is volunteering more
than ever before. But let’s stay focused on the crisis at hand. It’s
there, it’s growing, and it won’t go away until we decide it’s a
big enough problem to do something about. Experts differ as
to the most appropriate way to label this breed of self-centered,
insensitive youth, describing their behavior with such psychological terminology as “overindulged,”“grandiose,”“narcissistic,” and even “egocentric-regressed.” Most lay folks agree that
the plain, old-fashioned term “spoiled brat” fits just fine. And
it’s also a term that every parent dreads.“Not my kid! A big
brat? Never!” It’s embarrassing, it’s humiliating, it’s the crisis we
all dreaded might occur with our own sons and daughters.

Confronting the Crisis

Even the word “spoiled” sounds as if it’s rotten: there’s nothing
you can do about it, and you have to throw it away.
But we’re not talking about apples and oranges here:
these are our precious children, our loved ones, our hope for
the future.We can’t give up and abandon our most treasured
human blessings, the relationships we most cherish.We can’t
ever stop believing that we can make a difference in confronting this crisis, that everything we do now will play a crucial role in turning their lives around and shaping their
ultimate destiny.We must have faith that there is a way to help
our kids defeat the negative consequences and long-term
penalties of the Big Brat Factor.

How are things on your own home front these days? Do you
ever wonder if your darling cherub could be the next poster
child for “most spoiled”? Have you thought (secretly, of
course) how much easier selling your kids on eBay would be
than raising them for one more minute? Do you sometimes
feel as though you’ve become your kids’ATM machine? If so,
chances are your kid has a big dose of the Big Brat Factor.
Take a deep breath, and know you’re not alone: millions
of other parents are in the same boat.There is an epidemic in
our society, and not only that, it’s not just in the good old
U.S.A. During the past eighteen months, I’ve worked with
parents and educators in Canada, Hong Kong, Malaysia, Finland, and elsewhere, and I can tell you that children worldwide
are now victims of this malady.The good news is that this is
not a natural disaster but a human dilemma, and that means
we can do something about it.The first step is realizing that
brats don’t come in just one shape or form. In fact, there’s a
broad variety of brat types that could be living under your
very own roof. Check out the following list to see if it inspires
the shock of recognition:
Part 1


The Little Princess–Mr. Fresh Prince Syndrome. Do your kids
feel they are entitled to get everything they want and rule the
roost? Do you feel you are running a bed-and-breakfast establishment instead of a home? Are you picking up after your kids
and doing their chores because you can’t bear dealing with
their reaction if you ask them to do it themselves? (And
heaven forbid if you asked your precious offspring to do
something for you!)
The Con Artist. Does your kid manipulate you morning,
noon, and night? Does she excuse, blame, fib, threaten, guilttrip, and play you off against your partner? Is this the same kid
you just said no to and somehow she’s charmed you to give
in? She’s good, isn’t she?
The Donald Trump Clone. Do you have a “gimme, gimme,
gimme” kid? Is he so greedy and materialistic that to him you’re
nothing but a walking wallet? Is his vocabulary riddled with
brand names? Does his closet overflow with stuff he’s never
worn or used? Are you looking at the want ads for job number
four so you can pay for this kid’s lifestyle? And how will he ever
balance his budget when he’s finally living on his own?
The Drama Queen. Does your little munchkin act as if she
just lost the Oscar when she doesn’t get her way? Is she such a
diva that you can’t change the TV channel without asking her
permission? Do her theatrics leave you drained and exhausted
at the end of the day? Why can’t this kid take no for an
“Poor Little Me.” Does your child feel so sorry for himself
that you find yourself always doing everything for him and
expecting very little in return? Does he constantly complain
about too much homework, friends who are mean to him, or
how unfair you treat him? Do you find yourself rescuing him
because it’s so much easier than listening to his woes and moans?

Confronting the Crisis

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