Your Own Terms A Womans Guide To Taking Charge Of Any Negotiation

by Davidds

Author Davidds Isbn 9780814436028 File size 4 2 MB Year 2015 Pages 256 Language English File format PDF Category Psychology This book has changed the way I enter into all my business dealings The strategies tactics and counter actions that are provided for women are proven and effective techniques to ensure a win win outcome The book also has exercises that help to identify your values and core beliefs which help navigate you through tough negotiation situations Bottom line I am now more

Publisher :

Author : Davidds

ISBN : 9780814436028

Year : 2015

Language: English

File Size : 4.2 MB

Category : Psychology



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AMACOM eBook.

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receive special offers, access to free samples, and
info on the latest new releases from AMACOM,
the book publishing division of
American Management Association.
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The copyright information for this title may be found at the end of this eBook.

American Management Association / www.amanet.org

Your Own Terms

American Management Association / www.amanet.org

Your Own
Terms
A Woman’s Guide to
Ta kin g Cha rge of An y Ne got i at i o n

Yasmin Davidds, P s y D
with

Ann Bidou

A m e r i ca n Ma n ag e m e n t A s s oc i at i o n
New York  • Atlanta • Brussels • Chicago • Mexico City  • San Francisco
Shanghai  • Tokyo • Toronto •  Washington, D.C.

American Management Association / www.amanet.org

This page intentionally left blank

American Management Association / www.amanet.org

To the Davidds women in my family,
who live life on their own terms
My loving Mami, for your unconditional love; my beautiful sister
Judy, for your constant strength and support; my soul sister Karina,
for your protection up above the clouds; my beloved daughter, D
­ ivina,
for your love that is so pure and precious; and my adorable nieces
Isabella and Gabriella, whose presence brightens my life.
and
To the amazing alumni of the
Latina Global Executive Leadership Program
Your commitment to the program and to each other made my dream
come true. Your constant love and support for one another provided
each of you with unlimited strength and undeniable courage. May
paying it forward sustain the power of the sisterhood.

American Management Association / www.amanet.org

This page intentionally left blank

American Management Association / www.amanet.org

Contents

Acknowledgments xi

Part 1: Own Your Game
Chapter 1: Empower Yourself
Transform How You Think and Feel
Thirty-One Ways to Negotiate a Win-Win Solution
The Keys to Collaborative Negotiation
Discover Your Personal Values: Core Negotiation Principles

3
6
7
12
14

Chapter 2: Your Style: Changes You Need to Make When
Negotiating with Men or Women
Navigating the Collision Course: Likability vs. Competence
Leverage Gender Styles to Work Together Effectively
The Impact of the “Entitlement Effect” on Male/Female Negotiating Styles
Manage Your Impression to Avoid Backlash
Three Ways to Counter Backlash
Discover Your Personal Values: Identify Your Two Most Important Principles

16
18
20
21
23
28
29

Chapter 3: How Not to Sabotage Your Negotiating Power
30
Six Ways to Combat Inward Sabotage
31
34
The Seven-Second Rule for Combating Outward Sabotage
What You Say Can Hurt You
37
Discover Your Personal Values: Give Your Beliefs a Stress Test 40
Chapter 4: The Four Stages of Negotiation
Stage 1: Planning and Preparation
Stage 2: Opening the Negotiation; Setting the Tone
American Management Association / www.amanet.org

41
41
44

viii

Contents

Stage 3: Idea and Information Exchange; Moving to Agreement
Stage 4: Closing Strategies That Ensure Commitment and Performance
Discover Your Personal Values: Clarify Your Definitions

45
48
51

Chapter 5: Determine Which Negotiation Style Is Right for You
Five Comfort Zone Styles
Style 1: The Avoider
Style 2: The Accommodator
Style 3: The Compromiser
Style 4: The Competitor
Style 5: The Collaborator
Discover Your Negotiation Skills: Style Assessment

53
53
55
57
59
60
62
66

Chapter 6: Manage Negotiations with the “Backwards Mapping” Technique
Determine Who the Stakeholders Are
Identify the Essential Issues
Choose the Right Time
Find the Right Approach
Take the Right Steps at the Right Time
The Backwards Mapping Technique
Break Down Barriers
Discover Your Negotiation Skills: Backwards Mapping

69
70
74
75
75
75
76
77
80

Part 2: Build Leverage with Your Negotiation Toolbox
Chapter 7: Offensive Maneuvers and How to Counter Them
Defend Yourself Against Hardball Tactics
Defensive Tactics for All Occasions
Negotiation Is About Perception, Not Reality
The Role of Experts in a Negotiation
Discover Your Negotiation Skills: Name the Tactic

85
86
93
94
97
98

Chapter 8: Power Moves for Handling Difficult People
Dealing with the Intentionally Difficult Person
Dealing with the Accidentally Difficult Person
Dealing with the Unfulfilled Difficult Person
A Planning Worksheet for Negotiating with Difficult People
Discover Your Personal Values: Sticking to Your Principles
in Challenging Situations

100
101
104
107
110

American Management Association / www.amanet.org

111

Contents ix

Chapter 9: Communication Strategies That Create a Level Playing Field
The Role of Gender Attitudes Toward Winning
How to Gain Control of a Negotiation
What to Do When Problems Arise
Test Assumptions, Broad Statements, and Mutual Understanding
How to Make Acceptable Counterproposals
Avoid Diluting Your Arguments
How to Defend Against Gender Bias
Manage How You See Yourself and How Others See You
Discover Your Negotiation Skills: Know the Difference

112
114
115
115
117
118
119
119
120
124

Chapter 10: Fail-Proof Persuasion Tactics
Six Persuasive Tactics to Optimize Your Negotiating Prowess
The Seventh Tactic—Reframing
Build Rapport
Keep the Focus on Your Goals
Counter-Persuasion Techniques
Discover Your Personal Values: How Well Do You Practice Integrity?

126
128
133
135
136
136
139

Chapter 11: The Art of the Redirect: Managing Destabilizing Moves
Counter the Sublevel Negotiation with Redirects
Five Redirects to Counter Any Move
The Case Against Counterattacking
Choosing the Right Redirect
Implement a Multiple Redirect Strategy
Discover Your Negotiation Skills: Apply the Five Redirects

141
142
143
148
149
150
152

Part 3: Winning Game Plans: Negotiating with
Power and Grace
Chapter 12: Gender Intelligence and Negotiation
What Neuroscience Teaches Us About Gender Intelligence in the Workplace
Gender Intelligence in Practice
Discover Your Gender Intelligence: Leadership

157
158
164
166

Chapter 13: How, When, and Why to Make Concessions
Unnecessary Concessions: Those You Make to Yourself
Necessary Concessions: Those You Make to Others
The No-Fly Zone: Concessions You Should Never Make

170
170
173
176

American Management Association / www.amanet.org

x

Contents

Maximize the Concessions You Accept: Getting Others to Concede to You
Discover Your Personal Values: Testing Your Beliefs Under Pressure

178
179

Chapter 14: Negotiating with the “Big Boys”
Negotiation Mapping Model
Know Your Stuff; Stand Your Ground
Discover Your Negotiation Skills: High-Stakes Negotiations

180
181
186
187

Chapter 15: Negotiate Your Way to Leadership Success
Critical Points to Hit When Negotiating for a New Position
How to Negotiate for Leadership Success
What Organizations Can Do to Help Women Leaders Succeed
Discover Your Negotiation Skills: The Path to Leadership—a New Position

189
190
193
195
197

Chapter 16: The Real Test: Your Salary Negotiation
Quick Tips: How to Maximize Your Salary
Discover Your Personal Goals: Salary Negotiation

199
200
206

Chapter 17: Put Your Negotiation Skills to Work
You, Too, Can Be a Power Player
You, Too, Can Handle Challenges like a Pro
The Importance of Values to Negotiations and Leadership
Discover Your Personal Values: Testing Your Ethical Boundaries
Discover Your Personal Values: Identifying Your Leadership Principles

209
211
213
217
218
219

Chapter 18: View from the Trenches:
Lessons for Women as Leaders and Negotiators
Women as Leaders and Negotiators: The Female Perspective
Women as Leaders and Negotiators: The Male Perspective

221
222
231

Appendix 1—Language of Negotiation
241
245
Appendix II—Personal and Professional Checklist for Complex Negotiations
Notes
247
Resources
251
255
Index
About the Authors 261
Free Sample from Who Says It’s a Man’s World by Emily Bennington 262

American Management Association / www.amanet.org

Acknowledgments

My journey in life has brought me across wonderful people and beautiful
souls. I would like to acknowledge those who have supported me, inspired
me, and nurtured me while I wrote this book. I honor you with my deepest
gratitude:
Ann Bidou, my co-author, for giving such a powerful voice to my thoughts.
You are the most amazing co-writer I have ever worked with. I feel blessed to
have found you.
My literary agent, Linda Konner, for all your support and dedication to
making this book possible.
The AMACOM team: Ellen Kadin, Ellen Coleman, Robin Perlow, Irene
Majuk, Erika Spelman, and the entire editorial, production, sales, publicity,
and marketing teams. Thank you all for believing in me and giving me the
opportunity to share my message through this book.
The women and men who allowed me to share their voices with the world
through our interviews: Dr. Betty Uribe, Graciela Meibar, Julius E. Robinson,
and Pablo Schneider.
The only man in our family—my brother-in-law, Michael Wright—thank
you for loving, honoring, and supporting the Davidds women even when we
drive you crazy.

American Management Association / www.amanet.org

xii

Acknowledgments

Ann Bidou wishes to thank Shoya Zichy, the co-author of her earlier books,
Career Match and Personality Power, for recommending her for this job. Shoya,
I have learned so much from you, and you will see your wisdom sprinkled
throughout. Deepest thanks to Linda Konner, our agent, for bringing me together with one of the most remarkable, brilliant, and gracious ladies I have
ever met—my co-author, Yasmin Davidds. Linda—a very astute negotiator—
is one of the few women I know who does not need to read this book at all!
Warmest thanks to Brenda Nielson for her feedback on each chapter draft. I
owe a huge debt of gratitude to Emily Hennessey and Sabrina O’Brien for
helping to keep my other business going while writing distracted me. Finally,
I wish to recognize the uncountable times my husband, Greg Bidou, supported me through this writing period with unfailing encouragement, humor,
and strength. Yes, ladies, there really are perfect husbands out there to be had,
and I say my prayers of gratitude every day for having found one!

American Management Association / www.amanet.org

Pa r t o n e

Own Your Game
Empowerment
1.  The act of investing yourself with power
2. The process of enabling or permitting yourself the right to
succeed
3.  The ability to control your own destiny
4.  The strength to maximize your own potential
5.  The determination to define life on your own terms

American Management Association / www.amanet.org

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American Management Association / www.amanet.org

1
Empower Yourself

This is not a book about how to become a barracuda at the bargaining

table. It’s definitely not a book about how to negotiate more like a man, or
how to win by making others lose face or power. It is a book about leveraging those feminine strengths, such as nurturing and collaboration, that
all people, men and women, respond to positively.
We women frequently feel like we’re placed in a no-win situation before a negotiation even begins. If we make concessions to further the deal,
we’re viewed as weak; but if we go in strong for what we want, we’re called
unflattering names that often begin with “b.” Either way, professional
working relationships sustain damage. Where’s the middle ground?
I live and work in the middle ground. I am an internationally known,
bestselling author, a women’s empowerment and negotiation specialist,
and an expert in the world-renowned Karrass negotiation program. As one
of the leading female negotiation experts in the United States and Latin
America, I have trained thousands of corporate leaders in more than two
hundred blue chip companies in twenty-two countries in the art and skill
of negotiation. My clients range from senior judges to tribal leaders, from
unionized prison guards to accountants, and from railroad officials to diplomatic trainees.

American Management Association / www.amanet.org

4 your own terms

Based on these personal experiences and successes, I will teach you
what I’ve taught others—how to be both a winning and a graceful negotiator. I will show you how you have more power at the negotiating table
than most men, without resorting to sexual nuance. And I will help you
realize that being a successful negotiator means that people end up liking
you more, not less.
Let’s begin by busting some myths.
Myth #1: Nice girls finish last. How do we get people to think we’re
“nice”? Parents teach their daughters it’s by giving to others (while telling
their sons it’s more important to be strong and tough). Some parents model
this by sacrificing what they want so others (particularly their children)
can have what they want. At the bargaining table, being “nice” in this way
often leads you to make too many concessions in return for too little. The
goal is to get what you want, and leave others feeling like they won, too.
Myth #2: Emotions have no place in serious negotiations. Quite the
contrary. Your emotions are a critical barometer for creating a win-win.
There can’t be a win-win unless you win, too. Women fear losing control
emotionally and looking weak in the heat of negotiating. But to repress
emotion requires tremendous amounts of energy, leaving little for strategic
maneuvering. Emotions are energy that needs to be directed. You can’t
really control what emotions pop up, but you can control how you express
them. Fear, for example, can be directed into the courage to walk into (or
out of) the conference room, anger into setting reasonable boundaries,
self-doubt into taking a calculated risk.
Myth #3: You have to be mean or angry to earn respect. One archetype
of Western patriarchal cultures is the man who uses anger and bullying to
force other, weaker people to do his bidding. Kings and conquerors, slave
owners, and shop foremen are all examples. But a modern woman who
uses such men as her role models rarely gains respect from her colleagues
(or herself). What’s the new paradigm? Earn respect from others by building your self-respect. This means taking a gracious and firm stand for what
you desire.
American Management Association / www.amanet.org

Empower Yourself 5

Myth #4: You don’t deserve to have it all; and if you push for it, people
think you are selfish or unrealistic. Don’t believe it for even one second!
Who told you that you don’t deserve to have what you want? When was
the very first time you remember hearing this? How often did you hear it
growing up? Did the person saying it have an agenda that would benefit
him or her if you didn’t get what you wanted? It may make no sense to
honor at age thirty-six what your mother said you couldn’t have at age six.
As an adult, you are entitled to more! Pushing yourself to get more at first
may feel fake and unnatural. But small, daily successes will start to translate into success in bigger arenas—asking for pay raises, buying a house,
getting investors for your business, buying a used car, and even dealing
with your ex-husband’s divorce lawyer.
Myth #5: People don’t like women who say “no.” Users, manipulators,
and exploiters certainly don’t. Others will try to work within the reasonable boundaries that you set—and respect you for having them. I will
teach you some critical skills for dealing with the users in a strong and
confident manner so you walk away from the negotiation liking yourself
and feeling little concern if the manipulators and exploiters don’t.
Myth #6: Being a powerful woman who wins is OK for movie and TV
characters, but in the real world it turns people off. The assumption
here is that if a woman wins, colleagues—and sometimes even friends—
are intimidated and turned off. Of course, if you always lose to someone,
you may become afraid to deal with that person, which also is a turn-off.
Instead, I will show you the art of being a powerful woman—someone
who knows how to create win-win situations—without ever compromising your authentic femininity, by which I mean your ability to nurture,
cooperate, and collaborate with respect for others and for yourself. You
will draw others to you, gain respect and lifelong friendships along the
way, and get what you want as well.
Isn’t that who you want to be?
To start, let’s agree on some definitions:

American Management Association / www.amanet.org

6 your own terms

• Negotiation, so goes the old definition, is a game with rules of engagement. If you know the rules and employ them adroitly, you can
win. Many of these rules—mostly developed by men—go counter to
the collaborative approach most women prefer.
To change this game, we need to redefine it.
• Negotiation, newly defined, is a process whereby agreement is reached
through discussion and compromise. Every interaction, no matter
the context, no matter the scale, is a negotiation. It requires a mindset, tools, and a definable goal, all of which a woman can acquire
with minimal skill and some practice.
• Femininity: The traits most often found and valued in females, such
as gentleness, delicacy, and a nurturing attitude. These traits can produce tremendous gains when strategically applied to a negotiation.
• Winning: Winning means getting what you want. For some women,
a one-sided win in their favor may create a momentary rush, but, for
most, it ultimately doesn’t sit as well as a win-win.

Transform How You Think and Feel
Let’s begin. Here’s how to own your game, live life at work and at home on
your own terms, and never “get played” again.
1. It starts in your head. To achieve real, lasting, powerful results—
to completely transform your quality of life—you must ask new
questions, take new actions, get new results, and thereby gain new
perspectives. At first, this will feel like putting on stiff new shoes.
You will likely take them off and put them back on a few times
before they start to feel right. Stay with it. You’ll soon feel more
comfortable.
2. It starts with your heart. You have the desire to become a master
negotiator, without being heavy-fisted or cutthroat. Central to
achieving this is facing the fear of losing friendships, respect, or

American Management Association / www.amanet.org

Empower Yourself 7

cooperation; the fear of disliking yourself; the fear of disobeying,
being disloyal to, or being better than your parents. These are
monumental, and there’s no getting around the courage you will
be required to muster. To conquer your fears requires consistent,
powerful, strategic action—to trust that stepping up to the plate
will dispel, and not reinforce, your fears. As your successes pile
up, new, powerful, and positive beliefs and attitudes will lead to
even greater results and momentum.
Together, we’ll compress decades of effort into months (or even days)
and make goals you considered merely dreams your daily reality. Don’t
allow your fears to hold you back!

Thirty-One Ways to Negotiate a Win-Win Solution
I can give you lists of tips and tricks (which I will), but the easiest way to
absorb them is to see them in action. What follows is the story of Cathy’s
job and salary negotiation with Tom, showing how she successfully
brought it to a win-win conclusion.
Once you’ve read the story, I suggest that each day you choose several
of Cathy’s strategies (in bold) and practice them until they become habitual.
1. Power image management—show power externally.1 Cathy
walked into GDW Company with her head high, her shoulders
back, and a smile that would illuminate any room. Her navy blue
suit was sharp and her hair was perfectly wrapped in a bun. She
had interviewed for the national sales director position with the
company and had been called back for what she hoped was the
last interview. Today she was to meet with the executive vice president of sales, Tom Hernandez, the man to whom she would report if she got the position.
2. Manage your expectations.2 She was excited about the possibilities but didn’t want to get her hopes up too high. Before she ­entered

American Management Association / www.amanet.org



Thank you for downloading this
AMACOM eBook.

Sign up for our newsletter, AMACOM BookAlert, and
receive special offers, access to free samples, and
info on the latest new releases from AMACOM,
the book publishing division of
American Management Association.
To sign up, visit our website: www.amacombooks.org

The copyright information for this title may be found at the end of this eBook.

American Management Association / www.amanet.org

Your Own Terms

American Management Association / www.amanet.org

Your Own
Terms
A Woman’s Guide to
Ta kin g Cha rge of An y Ne got i at i o n

Yasmin Davidds, P s y D
with

Ann Bidou

A m e r i ca n Ma n ag e m e n t A s s oc i at i o n
New York  • Atlanta • Brussels • Chicago • Mexico City  • San Francisco
Shanghai  • Tokyo • Toronto •  Washington, D.C.

American Management Association / www.amanet.org

This page intentionally left blank

American Management Association / www.amanet.org

To the Davidds women in my family,
who live life on their own terms
My loving Mami, for your unconditional love; my beautiful sister
Judy, for your constant strength and support; my soul sister Karina,
for your protection up above the clouds; my beloved daughter, D
­ ivina,
for your love that is so pure and precious; and my adorable nieces
Isabella and Gabriella, whose presence brightens my life.
and
To the amazing alumni of the
Latina Global Executive Leadership Program
Your commitment to the program and to each other made my dream
come true. Your constant love and support for one another provided
each of you with unlimited strength and undeniable courage. May
paying it forward sustain the power of the sisterhood.

American Management Association / www.amanet.org

This page intentionally left blank

American Management Association / www.amanet.org

Contents

Acknowledgments xi

Part 1: Own Your Game
Chapter 1: Empower Yourself
Transform How You Think and Feel
Thirty-One Ways to Negotiate a Win-Win Solution
The Keys to Collaborative Negotiation
Discover Your Personal Values: Core Negotiation Principles

3
6
7
12
14

Chapter 2: Your Style: Changes You Need to Make When
Negotiating with Men or Women
Navigating the Collision Course: Likability vs. Competence
Leverage Gender Styles to Work Together Effectively
The Impact of the “Entitlement Effect” on Male/Female Negotiating Styles
Manage Your Impression to Avoid Backlash
Three Ways to Counter Backlash
Discover Your Personal Values: Identify Your Two Most Important Principles

16
18
20
21
23
28
29

Chapter 3: How Not to Sabotage Your Negotiating Power
30
Six Ways to Combat Inward Sabotage
31
34
The Seven-Second Rule for Combating Outward Sabotage
What You Say Can Hurt You
37
Discover Your Personal Values: Give Your Beliefs a Stress Test 40
Chapter 4: The Four Stages of Negotiation
Stage 1: Planning and Preparation
Stage 2: Opening the Negotiation; Setting the Tone
American Management Association / www.amanet.org

41
41
44

viii

Contents

Stage 3: Idea and Information Exchange; Moving to Agreement
Stage 4: Closing Strategies That Ensure Commitment and Performance
Discover Your Personal Values: Clarify Your Definitions

45
48
51

Chapter 5: Determine Which Negotiation Style Is Right for You
Five Comfort Zone Styles
Style 1: The Avoider
Style 2: The Accommodator
Style 3: The Compromiser
Style 4: The Competitor
Style 5: The Collaborator
Discover Your Negotiation Skills: Style Assessment

53
53
55
57
59
60
62
66

Chapter 6: Manage Negotiations with the “Backwards Mapping” Technique
Determine Who the Stakeholders Are
Identify the Essential Issues
Choose the Right Time
Find the Right Approach
Take the Right Steps at the Right Time
The Backwards Mapping Technique
Break Down Barriers
Discover Your Negotiation Skills: Backwards Mapping

69
70
74
75
75
75
76
77
80

Part 2: Build Leverage with Your Negotiation Toolbox
Chapter 7: Offensive Maneuvers and How to Counter Them
Defend Yourself Against Hardball Tactics
Defensive Tactics for All Occasions
Negotiation Is About Perception, Not Reality
The Role of Experts in a Negotiation
Discover Your Negotiation Skills: Name the Tactic

85
86
93
94
97
98

Chapter 8: Power Moves for Handling Difficult People
Dealing with the Intentionally Difficult Person
Dealing with the Accidentally Difficult Person
Dealing with the Unfulfilled Difficult Person
A Planning Worksheet for Negotiating with Difficult People
Discover Your Personal Values: Sticking to Your Principles
in Challenging Situations

100
101
104
107
110

American Management Association / www.amanet.org

111

Contents ix

Chapter 9: Communication Strategies That Create a Level Playing Field
The Role of Gender Attitudes Toward Winning
How to Gain Control of a Negotiation
What to Do When Problems Arise
Test Assumptions, Broad Statements, and Mutual Understanding
How to Make Acceptable Counterproposals
Avoid Diluting Your Arguments
How to Defend Against Gender Bias
Manage How You See Yourself and How Others See You
Discover Your Negotiation Skills: Know the Difference

112
114
115
115
117
118
119
119
120
124

Chapter 10: Fail-Proof Persuasion Tactics
Six Persuasive Tactics to Optimize Your Negotiating Prowess
The Seventh Tactic—Reframing
Build Rapport
Keep the Focus on Your Goals
Counter-Persuasion Techniques
Discover Your Personal Values: How Well Do You Practice Integrity?

126
128
133
135
136
136
139

Chapter 11: The Art of the Redirect: Managing Destabilizing Moves
Counter the Sublevel Negotiation with Redirects
Five Redirects to Counter Any Move
The Case Against Counterattacking
Choosing the Right Redirect
Implement a Multiple Redirect Strategy
Discover Your Negotiation Skills: Apply the Five Redirects

141
142
143
148
149
150
152

Part 3: Winning Game Plans: Negotiating with
Power and Grace
Chapter 12: Gender Intelligence and Negotiation
What Neuroscience Teaches Us About Gender Intelligence in the Workplace
Gender Intelligence in Practice
Discover Your Gender Intelligence: Leadership

157
158
164
166

Chapter 13: How, When, and Why to Make Concessions
Unnecessary Concessions: Those You Make to Yourself
Necessary Concessions: Those You Make to Others
The No-Fly Zone: Concessions You Should Never Make

170
170
173
176

American Management Association / www.amanet.org

x

Contents

Maximize the Concessions You Accept: Getting Others to Concede to You
Discover Your Personal Values: Testing Your Beliefs Under Pressure

178
179

Chapter 14: Negotiating with the “Big Boys”
Negotiation Mapping Model
Know Your Stuff; Stand Your Ground
Discover Your Negotiation Skills: High-Stakes Negotiations

180
181
186
187

Chapter 15: Negotiate Your Way to Leadership Success
Critical Points to Hit When Negotiating for a New Position
How to Negotiate for Leadership Success
What Organizations Can Do to Help Women Leaders Succeed
Discover Your Negotiation Skills: The Path to Leadership—a New Position

189
190
193
195
197

Chapter 16: The Real Test: Your Salary Negotiation
Quick Tips: How to Maximize Your Salary
Discover Your Personal Goals: Salary Negotiation

199
200
206

Chapter 17: Put Your Negotiation Skills to Work
You, Too, Can Be a Power Player
You, Too, Can Handle Challenges like a Pro
The Importance of Values to Negotiations and Leadership
Discover Your Personal Values: Testing Your Ethical Boundaries
Discover Your Personal Values: Identifying Your Leadership Principles

209
211
213
217
218
219

Chapter 18: View from the Trenches:
Lessons for Women as Leaders and Negotiators
Women as Leaders and Negotiators: The Female Perspective
Women as Leaders and Negotiators: The Male Perspective

221
222
231

Appendix 1—Language of Negotiation
241
245
Appendix II—Personal and Professional Checklist for Complex Negotiations
Notes
247
Resources
251
255
Index
About the Authors 261
Free Sample from Who Says It’s a Man’s World by Emily Bennington 262

American Management Association / www.amanet.org

Acknowledgments

My journey in life has brought me across wonderful people and beautiful
souls. I would like to acknowledge those who have supported me, inspired
me, and nurtured me while I wrote this book. I honor you with my deepest
gratitude:
Ann Bidou, my co-author, for giving such a powerful voice to my thoughts.
You are the most amazing co-writer I have ever worked with. I feel blessed to
have found you.
My literary agent, Linda Konner, for all your support and dedication to
making this book possible.
The AMACOM team: Ellen Kadin, Ellen Coleman, Robin Perlow, Irene
Majuk, Erika Spelman, and the entire editorial, production, sales, publicity,
and marketing teams. Thank you all for believing in me and giving me the
opportunity to share my message through this book.
The women and men who allowed me to share their voices with the world
through our interviews: Dr. Betty Uribe, Graciela Meibar, Julius E. Robinson,
and Pablo Schneider.
The only man in our family—my brother-in-law, Michael Wright—thank
you for loving, honoring, and supporting the Davidds women even when we
drive you crazy.

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xii

Acknowledgments

Ann Bidou wishes to thank Shoya Zichy, the co-author of her earlier books,
Career Match and Personality Power, for recommending her for this job. Shoya,
I have learned so much from you, and you will see your wisdom sprinkled
throughout. Deepest thanks to Linda Konner, our agent, for bringing me together with one of the most remarkable, brilliant, and gracious ladies I have
ever met—my co-author, Yasmin Davidds. Linda—a very astute negotiator—
is one of the few women I know who does not need to read this book at all!
Warmest thanks to Brenda Nielson for her feedback on each chapter draft. I
owe a huge debt of gratitude to Emily Hennessey and Sabrina O’Brien for
helping to keep my other business going while writing distracted me. Finally,
I wish to recognize the uncountable times my husband, Greg Bidou, supported me through this writing period with unfailing encouragement, humor,
and strength. Yes, ladies, there really are perfect husbands out there to be had,
and I say my prayers of gratitude every day for having found one!

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Pa r t o n e

Own Your Game
Empowerment
1.  The act of investing yourself with power
2. The process of enabling or permitting yourself the right to
succeed
3.  The ability to control your own destiny
4.  The strength to maximize your own potential
5.  The determination to define life on your own terms

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1
Empower Yourself

This is not a book about how to become a barracuda at the bargaining

table. It’s definitely not a book about how to negotiate more like a man, or
how to win by making others lose face or power. It is a book about leveraging those feminine strengths, such as nurturing and collaboration, that
all people, men and women, respond to positively.
We women frequently feel like we’re placed in a no-win situation before a negotiation even begins. If we make concessions to further the deal,
we’re viewed as weak; but if we go in strong for what we want, we’re called
unflattering names that often begin with “b.” Either way, professional
working relationships sustain damage. Where’s the middle ground?
I live and work in the middle ground. I am an internationally known,
bestselling author, a women’s empowerment and negotiation specialist,
and an expert in the world-renowned Karrass negotiation program. As one
of the leading female negotiation experts in the United States and Latin
America, I have trained thousands of corporate leaders in more than two
hundred blue chip companies in twenty-two countries in the art and skill
of negotiation. My clients range from senior judges to tribal leaders, from
unionized prison guards to accountants, and from railroad officials to diplomatic trainees.

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4 your own terms

Based on these personal experiences and successes, I will teach you
what I’ve taught others—how to be both a winning and a graceful negotiator. I will show you how you have more power at the negotiating table
than most men, without resorting to sexual nuance. And I will help you
realize that being a successful negotiator means that people end up liking
you more, not less.
Let’s begin by busting some myths.
Myth #1: Nice girls finish last. How do we get people to think we’re
“nice”? Parents teach their daughters it’s by giving to others (while telling
their sons it’s more important to be strong and tough). Some parents model
this by sacrificing what they want so others (particularly their children)
can have what they want. At the bargaining table, being “nice” in this way
often leads you to make too many concessions in return for too little. The
goal is to get what you want, and leave others feeling like they won, too.
Myth #2: Emotions have no place in serious negotiations. Quite the
contrary. Your emotions are a critical barometer for creating a win-win.
There can’t be a win-win unless you win, too. Women fear losing control
emotionally and looking weak in the heat of negotiating. But to repress
emotion requires tremendous amounts of energy, leaving little for strategic
maneuvering. Emotions are energy that needs to be directed. You can’t
really control what emotions pop up, but you can control how you express
them. Fear, for example, can be directed into the courage to walk into (or
out of) the conference room, anger into setting reasonable boundaries,
self-doubt into taking a calculated risk.
Myth #3: You have to be mean or angry to earn respect. One archetype
of Western patriarchal cultures is the man who uses anger and bullying to
force other, weaker people to do his bidding. Kings and conquerors, slave
owners, and shop foremen are all examples. But a modern woman who
uses such men as her role models rarely gains respect from her colleagues
(or herself). What’s the new paradigm? Earn respect from others by building your self-respect. This means taking a gracious and firm stand for what
you desire.
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Empower Yourself 5

Myth #4: You don’t deserve to have it all; and if you push for it, people
think you are selfish or unrealistic. Don’t believe it for even one second!
Who told you that you don’t deserve to have what you want? When was
the very first time you remember hearing this? How often did you hear it
growing up? Did the person saying it have an agenda that would benefit
him or her if you didn’t get what you wanted? It may make no sense to
honor at age thirty-six what your mother said you couldn’t have at age six.
As an adult, you are entitled to more! Pushing yourself to get more at first
may feel fake and unnatural. But small, daily successes will start to translate into success in bigger arenas—asking for pay raises, buying a house,
getting investors for your business, buying a used car, and even dealing
with your ex-husband’s divorce lawyer.
Myth #5: People don’t like women who say “no.” Users, manipulators,
and exploiters certainly don’t. Others will try to work within the reasonable boundaries that you set—and respect you for having them. I will
teach you some critical skills for dealing with the users in a strong and
confident manner so you walk away from the negotiation liking yourself
and feeling little concern if the manipulators and exploiters don’t.
Myth #6: Being a powerful woman who wins is OK for movie and TV
characters, but in the real world it turns people off. The assumption
here is that if a woman wins, colleagues—and sometimes even friends—
are intimidated and turned off. Of course, if you always lose to someone,
you may become afraid to deal with that person, which also is a turn-off.
Instead, I will show you the art of being a powerful woman—someone
who knows how to create win-win situations—without ever compromising your authentic femininity, by which I mean your ability to nurture,
cooperate, and collaborate with respect for others and for yourself. You
will draw others to you, gain respect and lifelong friendships along the
way, and get what you want as well.
Isn’t that who you want to be?
To start, let’s agree on some definitions:

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6 your own terms

• Negotiation, so goes the old definition, is a game with rules of engagement. If you know the rules and employ them adroitly, you can
win. Many of these rules—mostly developed by men—go counter to
the collaborative approach most women prefer.
To change this game, we need to redefine it.
• Negotiation, newly defined, is a process whereby agreement is reached
through discussion and compromise. Every interaction, no matter
the context, no matter the scale, is a negotiation. It requires a mindset, tools, and a definable goal, all of which a woman can acquire
with minimal skill and some practice.
• Femininity: The traits most often found and valued in females, such
as gentleness, delicacy, and a nurturing attitude. These traits can produce tremendous gains when strategically applied to a negotiation.
• Winning: Winning means getting what you want. For some women,
a one-sided win in their favor may create a momentary rush, but, for
most, it ultimately doesn’t sit as well as a win-win.

Transform How You Think and Feel
Let’s begin. Here’s how to own your game, live life at work and at home on
your own terms, and never “get played” again.
1. It starts in your head. To achieve real, lasting, powerful results—
to completely transform your quality of life—you must ask new
questions, take new actions, get new results, and thereby gain new
perspectives. At first, this will feel like putting on stiff new shoes.
You will likely take them off and put them back on a few times
before they start to feel right. Stay with it. You’ll soon feel more
comfortable.
2. It starts with your heart. You have the desire to become a master
negotiator, without being heavy-fisted or cutthroat. Central to
achieving this is facing the fear of losing friendships, respect, or

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Empower Yourself 7

cooperation; the fear of disliking yourself; the fear of disobeying,
being disloyal to, or being better than your parents. These are
monumental, and there’s no getting around the courage you will
be required to muster. To conquer your fears requires consistent,
powerful, strategic action—to trust that stepping up to the plate
will dispel, and not reinforce, your fears. As your successes pile
up, new, powerful, and positive beliefs and attitudes will lead to
even greater results and momentum.
Together, we’ll compress decades of effort into months (or even days)
and make goals you considered merely dreams your daily reality. Don’t
allow your fears to hold you back!

Thirty-One Ways to Negotiate a Win-Win Solution
I can give you lists of tips and tricks (which I will), but the easiest way to
absorb them is to see them in action. What follows is the story of Cathy’s
job and salary negotiation with Tom, showing how she successfully
brought it to a win-win conclusion.
Once you’ve read the story, I suggest that each day you choose several
of Cathy’s strategies (in bold) and practice them until they become habitual.
1. Power image management—show power externally.1 Cathy
walked into GDW Company with her head high, her shoulders
back, and a smile that would illuminate any room. Her navy blue
suit was sharp and her hair was perfectly wrapped in a bun. She
had interviewed for the national sales director position with the
company and had been called back for what she hoped was the
last interview. Today she was to meet with the executive vice president of sales, Tom Hernandez, the man to whom she would report if she got the position.
2. Manage your expectations.2 She was excited about the possibilities but didn’t want to get her hopes up too high. Before she ­entered

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